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Jul. 30th, 2013

2003

ridiculous notion

Time and again, I learn too much about someone (anyone) and it makes them afraid. Maybe they're afraid I will use this knowledge against them. I've never done that so I'm not sure if that's the answer.

When I want to know, I ask. This is the only right way. It doesn't feel right trying to get the information from a 3rd party or a 4th. Why do that? There's no need for it if I just ask.

If you and I form a new friendship, and I ask you a million questions, it's because I want to know, not because I have a motive. I am not an evil espionage agent. I am just a person learning about another person.

That's how I operate. You should try it.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Jul. 24th, 2013

recent1

Cat.

Now, I wish I had blogged yesterday about what a great night I had the night before. Sad this evening. People cry all the time if they lose a relative, a friend, even a celebrity they never met. They cry and they feel bad for who knows how long?

Ludo. My cat for so many years. Today he died. Such a shock to come home from a not-great day and have this. Its not as though I'm surprised. The guy was old, y'know? Over 16 years old, and finally he wasted away to nothing. He was my good friend, even when other friends came and went, or stabbed me in the back, or moved away, or snubbed their nose at me when I moved away. He was a good guy, this cat. Moral support, from a cat. He was an oddball, and I named him after this amazing character in that old Bowie movie, Labyrinth. I loved this cat.

I had to cry, and I have to go on. There will never be another Ludo.

Jul. 21st, 2013

recent1

Cloudy with a chance of Sane




An amazing day unfolded for me, and I have gratitude for that. You see, I stress a lot. Mostly about work, but also about home things and kids things and thinks related to my own personal self. Yeah, that pretty much covers every area of anyone else's life as well.

Fun. What FUN to be able to drop everything for a short while, and go do something not related to any responsibility in my life... I think people take this for granted. How in the world can you not be thankful to get away and not THINK so hard and WORRY so much and RUN yourself into the ground?


RegardingMyFriends


I forgot what it was like. I'm sure many would read this and ask, How the hell can you not go do something for yourself every now and again? And my answer would be: It's easy, I promise. I tend to value others' needs and wants over my own. I've always been that way. I like to make people happy; I like to DO for other people. I like to please, and if I'm not careful, it can be detrimental. Even in my (...ahem..) older age, I'm learning, though.


Visited a friend today in her new apartment. It may be a while before she furnishes it. It's not easy for her like other people.


Went with another friend to the movies. The Lone Ranger was highly entertaining. I'm SO glad, too, because it was 2 and 1/2 hours long. If it had sucked I would STILL be bitching.


Kind of nice to be able to sit and blog and not be pissed off about something. I'm sure I've beaten this topic to bits, but it's my damned blog, so I don't care.


That whole restless feeling hasn't subsided. I mentioned that days ago, then tonight as I'm coming in from the movies, I see the moon is almost full. I really wonder if the moon affects us in any way. It affects the tides, why not us? Well...I mean besides the werewolves.


Probably to sleep now. I have so much catching up to do tomorrow, but it was so worth it.

Jul. 20th, 2013

recent1

Geek




Frustration, annoyed, upset, time to let it go and just type and get it out.




Do I talk about it or go to something else?? Focus on the bad and let it flow out, like its some nasty poison threatening to slowly kill me? I don't know, I just don't know -- some of the people I deal with on a regular basis are in a state of denial and want to think that the whole world is against them. The whole world is not against me so this way of thinking confuses me and makes me feel as though I must wade through idiocracy in order to get to the order on the other side.

Let it go, I tell myself. Let it go because I am not dead inside. I am teeming with emotion and must-have's and need and want and give and give and give. I feel more than I should, I think. Even when I sleep, I'm thinking and wondering and I wake up and sometimes things are resolved and settled in my head and sometimes...not so much.

I've become so easily able to put on a customer-service face, adjust my voice to a "How can I help you?" level and plow through that it becomes painful. So I have to rip all of that away at the end of each day and (again) re-discover the ME that I leave at home every day.

Ahh. I think I'm over all that now. Just some typing to loosen up my fingers, some loud music with the F-bomb and amazing vocals stirred in and I'm relaxing. My day sucked. My day is over. I'm better now. Thirty seconds of frustration tapped out on this keyboard, a small mental fit of frustration and I'm okay.

Tomorrow. The next day. MINE...for ME. Automatically these days, "mine" and "me" -- such selfishness 'they' say. Selfish can be good.

I met someone yesterday. He's a writer. He's an amazing artist. I get all excited when I meet people like this. Sometimes tongue-tied even. How funny; I talk on the phone for hours...chat online all the time...recently started a tweeting frenzy of sorts, and I deal with people of all types. Still I have the ability to get teenage-awkward around someone so at ease with words. Yeah, I somehow stumbled around and talked with him for a while and it was such a great feeling to connect with someone who knows the urge of needing the story to come out. I love to connect with people like this. While it's intimidating to meet and talk with people who are on a slightly higher plane of existance in this arena, its what I need. I love it.

I'm so relaxed now. I think I could do some bantering about if I can stay awake. I'm such a geek.

Jul. 5th, 2013

recent1

Jamming in the rain

What a wild ride these last few days have been! I've been on a sort of natural high since my birthday. Sure, I've not gotten a lot of noteworthy things done, whatever. I'm okay with that at this moment.

I guess the thing that started it was finding out that my childhood crush, Corey Feldman, planned to release his new song/vid on my birthday. Then, I started tweeting him and he tweeted back and that inspired me to drag out the 'ole video programs and try to put together a little promo video for his music. I did it because I wanted to, not to get paid as it wasn't fantastic. But it felt good to do something I really love doing. Someone at work laughed at my comment that 58 seconds took 45 minutes to make. Slicing and dicing, adding this and that, yeah, it took the better part of an hour. Plus I'm a little rusty with the controls.

Feldman liked my efforts. That was nice. Hubbs said, "It's probably not even him Tweeting." I doubt it's not. Twitter is so ADHD that any busy person can sent out a little message with no effort.

Jamming to the remix as I write this. It's a rave remix. Too bad he didn't employ Skrillex to lend a hand. It would have had more bass.

Other news....tra la la. Hmm. A nice long weekend to catch up, clean up, stand down, relax. Tweeting my ass off. Helping to spread the word about a new Robert Englund movie, Fear Clinic. Another teen crush, I have to say. On the morbid side, sure. Whatever -- I have a wide range of taste in crushes.

No deep dark thoughts to share. Kinda in a bubbly sort of mood. Spent most of yesterday napping. Today, not so much as I had running to do. My hope is to accomplish several things this weekend and then do more things I love to do. Always something to do. Always something.

Jul. 1st, 2013

recent1

Another day slid by...



Reality is a little shaky

Nothing that could make me

sick

would be the cure for these trembling lips

I can't imagine a life where everything has a

place

Everything in its place

Mouth open to scream but why? We are merely existing, you say?

I can't stop shaking

I blame you.

Not your fault.

Such a struggle to just understand.

Nothing that could make me

sick

would be a true path to follow.

Jun. 16th, 2013

recent1

deireadh an tuath

What an amazing weekend. It was full of whirlwind, go-go-go gotta do so much and, believe it or not, I did.

Friday - dealing with an individual who doesn't like women, doesn't like himself, doesn't like that the rules apply to everyone, yessir, everyone, even you -- you pompous, self-congratulatory bastard. The rules apply to you, no matter how much you wish they didn't. And you can't suck me into that black hole which is your brain and your teensy-weensy way of thinking. The world does not revolve around you, and just because a young woman less than half your age showed you up, demanded respect when you deemed her "less-than" ...well, you will see (someday) that you are not the be-all, end-all of our existance, just because you have friends in high places. Guess what? They're in those high places, and you're a pee-on like the rest of us.

Ooooh...did you see what I did there? I decompressed with no problem.

Anyhow, after work I checked into the hotel, grabbed a tiny bite, jumped in the shower, and began the annoyingly long process of doing something with my hair while watching a show about people that travel the United States in search of Bigfoot. Lots of eye-rolling happening there, sorry, but I do love a good Bigfoot story. Jumped into my clothes, congratulating myself on finding what looked to be a very dressy pair of black-with-white-polka-dot capris (actually they are pajama bottoms. I am brilliant. Shhh.)

A friend dropped me off at Walgreens, where I walked in and composed myself. I was 7 minutes late for a meeting with a couple of friends I had never met. I met them on facebook, through mutual interests, and this was to be our first face-to-face meeting, next door at the Starbucks. Nervous! Me? Yeah, I was so nervous that I went into Walgreens and walked around for another 3 or 4 minutes, just to calm down because for the last several years, most of my in-person interactions have been child-related, work-related, public-service related. Now I'm actually meeting people for a ME-RELATED INTERACTION...what?? I'm so rusty at this. But, if I can -on a daily basis- deal with a regularly unbalanced or unpleasant or uncomfortable person, surely a plain ole getting-to-know-you would be a cinch.

 

I headed out the door and walked toward them. There they were, sitting, talking, having coffee, and I walked right up and greeted them, then headed inside to get my own coffee. (Hey check it out, I'm a real person again...eat your heart out, Pinocchio!)

 

Hello's exchanged and then for 2 hours, some of that stuff I am rarely in contact with anymore: grown up conversation. Interests, opinions, a few quips and jokes tossed about. My tell-tale nervousness manifested by way of a slow mechanical shredding of a Starbucks napkin. That was okay. I can't be at ease all the time. It's hard to be at ease around normal people when you are submerged in the not-quite-normal world I've occupied these last ten years.

 

 

I began to feel like a regular person again. When you live inside your head for prolonged periods, it can be a kind of high to step out of there. There is a real difference between this, and staring at a computer screen and typing, typing, and waiting, then typing...

 

 

I left this exchange with a smile. I liked these people. Hoped they liked me.

 

 

Jumped in a cab and was dropped off at PHT to further let off the week's steam. It was fun; I saw several bands, and people with clothes that were entirely too tight, or too skimpy, wearing heels and drinking heavily...stupid girls, some older than me which means they ought to have known better. Newsflash: that shit ain't sexy.

 

 

Stayed out until 2a.m. and returned to the hotel where I collapsed. I'm not getting too old to stay out all night, but I am definately not in top shape, which tires me out. The next morning, my family collected me and we rushed to the grocery, rushed home, got stuff together, and went out to the drive in movies an hour away. Superman, and The Great Gatsby. $5 for 2 movies, per person. Hell of a deal.

 

I enjoyed Superman, kept falling asleep during Gatsby. Couldn't help it, I hadn't had much sleep. But it was interesting, what parts I did get.

 

 

3a.m. today, we make it home, the girl munchkin decides to wake up and be upset, so again no sleep for me until late this afternoon when I caught a break (and a nap) and now midnight is looming this way.

 

 

No productive home-things done. I don't care. I've had a great weekend. And, KORN is not playing as I type this. Hello Enya from 1985, thanks for being in your c.d. case because Bowie is hidden and I couldn't find Pink Floyd.

 

 

and bad will be good,

and good will be bad

and we will all dance and watch as the sad

trickles away in a hushed little sigh

 

and suddenly I see it

when I look just that way

my sights were set in the wrong today

 

choose the today that fits your right now

or choose the today that forces you out

in the world you shut out

and, quite by mistake

perhaps you'll smile at the choice you make

Jun. 2nd, 2013

recent1

Hello, My Name Is Mundane.

So, I got an amazing amount of stuff done this weekend. Not as much as I wanted to, but still more than I usually do. Here it is, half past 9 and I've stopped and dropped everything to type a word or two.

We're looking for a vehicle. A van and/or a king cab truck. In this instance, the journey is entirely less desirable than the actual destination. Takes for-freakin' ever to find something affordable with not a lot of miles and I'll be glad when the looking is over. Sick of it, already.

Wish I had another 2 days off work. So much to do and I'm so so tired. The munchkin starts summer camp tomorrow. I don't like the location. I don't care for what I saw on my "tour" and I really don't want to do this but we are going to have to. Few choices when you live so far away from where you work.

Not enough time on my hands...

Hoping to win the lottery any day now!

I have a friend who has a lot of mental illness. She called me yesterday and brought up this guy (again) that she had been smitten with years ago. She told me she wished she had never met him because he sent her mixed signals. She didn't know if he (at the time) felt anything for her. He was her therapist, or one of them, or something like that.

I told her I felt like it was more an illness thing that manifested -- therapists seldom, if ever, feel more than sympathy and empathy with their clients. I reminded her that she was a client back then. She bemoaned the fact that she should have said this or that. I stated, Hmm...no. Thank your lucky stars you didn't say anything of the sort.

She said, "We had a spiritual bond."

I changed the subject. I can't always deal with the severity of her illness. I just can't. I come across as callous and mean if I dwell on it too long in conversations with her. I get impatient.

I dealt with P.T.S.D. from age 17 until well into my mid-20's. One doctor couldn't decide if I was depressed or bi-polar. Finally when my entire story came out, PTSD was their final answer. The way they explained it, by age 17 I had seen too much, been through too much, gone through my own "war" like a vet freshly back from a gruesome war. That's pretty accurate. There's no need for deep details, but suffice it to say I'm no stranger to mental struggles.

I had to get it out and get it out and talk about it and talk about it until now, should I ever talk about those 'wars' its not painful, its factual. There's no flashbacks or weird relapses, so presumably I did the right thing to recover.

You would think that my own struggles would cause me to have more of an understanding attitude. Not with this friend, because we've known each other since age 19 or so, and she has rolled steadily down a hill of mental mire.

I stay her friend because that could have been me. It wasn't. I am so thankful.

May. 30th, 2013

recent1

Freak on a Leash

There's this thing I have gotten into the habit of doing. Listen to Korn, write in my blog, read it a few days later, and congratulate myself on such brilliant drivel. Can't be helped. I really enjoy writing to those sounds.


It has to be something about the actual music....even without these guys singing, the music is driving, driving, breakneck speed, pushing -- makes me want to type faster, get every single bitching squall out before the music ends. I'm sure I would feel the same if I tried another artist or another kind of music, but that old saying, "If it ain't broke..."

I'm almost to *that* point at home, the point where things are beginning to shape up in such a way that I will be able to sit down at some other time than 1a.m. and do the serious (hopefully LAST) editing of my beloved Monster. It's been close to 2 years in the making. I bet my artist friend grew tired of waiting a long time ago. This whole bit where the real world intrudes on my creativity? That sucks. I have to drop it all and deal with immediate concerns, then I have to leave it dropped to make sure this, that, and the other is resolved as well.

Thankfully, a new-ish friend went over the piece with a fine toothed comb, and left me with a huge portion of work to perfect it. At first I was disheartened, because I had already done 2 or 3 edits, but everything she told me was absolutely correct, of course, so when I had to (once again) leave it alone for 2 months, I was okay with it and with her critique. It's no wonder she intimidates me a little. Okay, a lot. She's so damned good. Sure, she went to school for this sort of thing, but there are people who get degrees and still can't figure out what it's all about. I can't say that about this lady. She knows her shit; hence, the intimidation!

Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain.
---Ralph Waldo Emerson


Apparently I'm in a stream of consciousness kind of mood because I don't want to go to bed, but I have to go to work in the morning, and its already morning -- and here I sit. It's difficult to contemplate the concept of actually getting up and removing these headphones and NOT listening to this album. I am so happy I ripped all these albums onto my computer. Sure, I have Enya on here, David Bowie, 80's tunes, BUT for the last solid year the only thing that captured my attention was Skrillex, Korn, Duran Duran, and most recently, a young man with the stage name of Mackleroy. I don't see any of these music choices as being a sign of growth. That whole restless feeling that I had before has come back.

Relax. I'm not going to run away, and I won't do any other restless-driven stupid thing. I think AGE has cured some of the dangerous impulsivity. I can see 40 just down the road. Hmm...maybe this is what mid-life crisis feels like? Good thing I'm not loaded or incredibly idiotic, so there won't be any fast cars or fur coats purchased.

And, now I'm spent. 12 minutes of random musings and clawing musical noise and I'm better. Brains are funny that way. I feel like the leash got loosened just a bit.

Sex. That's what this guy sings about all the time. Sex, desperation, despair, and the F-word. Whatever, the vocals are insane, and this band is good noise.

May. 26th, 2013

recent1

It's like a longing.

Summer is creeping up on soft, hot furry feet. Summer. It makes me sad when summer shows up. Most people get all crazy-happy and do stupid things during the summer, and then they talk about it during the winter.

I don't do many things in the summer anymore. The heat annoys me. I live out in the country. Large scary animals roam around during the summer nights. I'm not kidding; a rabid deer is large and scary. And, don't get me started on snakes and bugs and those damned spiders. I hate spiders. STAY OUTSIDE YOU CREEPY BITCHES.

I get a little restless at the beginning of summer. I do entirely too much reminiscing about summers past. Years and years and centuries ago, I did a lot of crazy shit during the summer months. I kinda miss that. I miss the uncertainty ever so often. NOT all the time, but just enough to make me dislike summer. I remember back to teen years, and early twenties, and I think to myself, "Did I really do that? Did I really act that way? What an idiot I was back then!!" and then I laugh and know that the old me (the young me, rather) was perfectly sane and enjoying life. And the present me, well I enjoy parts of life, and endure other parts.

Bad decisions became experiences that have formed the person I am now. Good decisions sanded away the rough edges. I'm okay with that.

But...every now and again, I just have that insane crazy urge to go and do something out of the ordinary. Go be that person I used to be...do the unthinkables. Be left shaky and uncertain and able to shrug and say, oh well, it'll be okay.

It's just an urge.

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